After getting off the phone with Ed, my brother-in-law Alan, and my godmother Joanne came to the hospital. They were obviously in shock too. After telling them the details, I witnessed something that was beautiful, yet disturbing at the same time: my godmother started touching my brother's body. Not touching him like she was feeling for anything, but caressing him, as though letting him know everything would be ok, even though he was gone. Then she started saying how young he was, how sad it was, how he didn't deserve this, etc...On one hand, it was sweet to see someone caring for him like this, showing him love when he could no longer even feel it, but on the other hand, he was gone...cold...hard...motionless. I felt jealous, envious, even removed; that she could touch him like that, but there was no way I could or even would. I guess that's why we have always considered her our second mother. Not only is she my godmother, she is also Denise's, and also my nephew Tino's godmother. So she is family.
Well like I said, I got the crash course of what it was like to have a family member pass away. All the feelings I went through that day. Feelings I had never experienced before, feelings that would only help me through the times ahead.
2.28.2015
2.27.2015
I Heard The News Today Oh Boy...
When my brother passed away (I hate saying "died", it's like saying you F'd a girl instead of made love or had sex, so crass), anyway, when Chris passed away, Ed was the first person I called. I called him from the parking lot of Brunswick Hospital, for I was the one who had to go ID the body. So not only was it my first time having someone "leave" me, but I quickly got a crash course.
And 12 years later, I still remember it like it was yesterday. My sister, who was bed-ridden with pregnancy at the time, told me the hospital called about Chris, but they could only release information to a family member. So i got dressed and drove to the hospital. As I drove there, I knew to expect the worse, but you always have faith that everything would be alright. Well when I arrived, I went to the front desk and announced myself. As i said who I was and who I was there for, I noticed the nurses, who were all nose deep in paper work, slowly lift and turn their heads to look. At that moment i knew what the deal was.
They told me to wait in a room and the doctor would come and talk to me. After thinking the worse, but still holding out hope, the doctor came in. He started going into a spiel how Chris was really ill and his health was very poor, when I interrupted and asked him "Is Chris OK"? He looked me in the eye and say "No, Chris had passed away" and that they did everything they could to save him. I said I understand and thanked-him. Then I called my sister and not wanting to upset her , told her matter of fact that "He didn't make it".
After going outside to smoke, I didn't know what to do for a few minutes. Just staring into space, shocked. Then I know i needed to call Ed. I didn't have his work number on me, so I called his wife Kim. She answered, I said "Hi, how are you" as though nothing was wrong. I then said "what's his work number"? With no hesitation, she gave it to me, not having any idea what was going on. I said thanks, I'll talk to you later, then hung up.
I immediately dialed Ed, He answered on the second ring. Though I later found out he was in a meeting at the time, he picked up right away cuz he knew something had to be going on. We never called each other while working, we both knew we had jobs to do. So if one of us called, it had to be important. His first words were "What's up, I'm in a meeting?" I said in a mono, matter of fact tone "Chris passed away". He was Like "WHAT"??? And as i began to repeat it, I got as far As "Chris..." before I lost it and broke down. And after gaining my composure and finishing "Chris passed away", all I heard was "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD...I will be home as soon as I can".
And 12 years later, I still remember it like it was yesterday. My sister, who was bed-ridden with pregnancy at the time, told me the hospital called about Chris, but they could only release information to a family member. So i got dressed and drove to the hospital. As I drove there, I knew to expect the worse, but you always have faith that everything would be alright. Well when I arrived, I went to the front desk and announced myself. As i said who I was and who I was there for, I noticed the nurses, who were all nose deep in paper work, slowly lift and turn their heads to look. At that moment i knew what the deal was.
They told me to wait in a room and the doctor would come and talk to me. After thinking the worse, but still holding out hope, the doctor came in. He started going into a spiel how Chris was really ill and his health was very poor, when I interrupted and asked him "Is Chris OK"? He looked me in the eye and say "No, Chris had passed away" and that they did everything they could to save him. I said I understand and thanked-him. Then I called my sister and not wanting to upset her , told her matter of fact that "He didn't make it".
After going outside to smoke, I didn't know what to do for a few minutes. Just staring into space, shocked. Then I know i needed to call Ed. I didn't have his work number on me, so I called his wife Kim. She answered, I said "Hi, how are you" as though nothing was wrong. I then said "what's his work number"? With no hesitation, she gave it to me, not having any idea what was going on. I said thanks, I'll talk to you later, then hung up.
I immediately dialed Ed, He answered on the second ring. Though I later found out he was in a meeting at the time, he picked up right away cuz he knew something had to be going on. We never called each other while working, we both knew we had jobs to do. So if one of us called, it had to be important. His first words were "What's up, I'm in a meeting?" I said in a mono, matter of fact tone "Chris passed away". He was Like "WHAT"??? And as i began to repeat it, I got as far As "Chris..." before I lost it and broke down. And after gaining my composure and finishing "Chris passed away", all I heard was "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD...I will be home as soon as I can".
2.25.2015
Nowhere To Run To Baby, Nowhere To Hide...
Where to start...Well I must say, the last 12 years have been trying. Since I know no one reads, no less, even knows that this blog of mine exists, this is probably as good a place as any to put some thoughts of mine down. And like I said, the last 12 years have been trying, though the last 6 months or so seem to really be testing my patience.
Six months ago, I was laid off from my job as a graphic/web/marketing person. At first, I figured I would be back on my feet within a month or so. I had money saved, my confidence was high, my options seemed limitless. Well, 6 months later, I am still unemployed, savings have dwindled dramatically, confidence has fallen, and my options seem to get smaller everyday.
Normally, I would weather "the storm", knowing the sun will still shine tomorrow. But this time it has been hard and seems to be getting harder. And its not just because of the reasons mentioned above. No, the main reason I'm feeling this way is because the passing away of my friend Ed last February (02/21/14). Though it's been a year since his passing, the best part of our friendship is what I'm finally missing.
At first I missed our "hangin' out", discussing everything under the sun, from politics to the latest tabloid news, from pop culture to trash culture, from discussions on morality to sharing/debating different philosophies. That is what I missed the most the first several months or so. But since my "crisis", I realize what I really miss, and that's his support through thick and thin. He was the one who was always there for me. The one I could talk to when things were going great, and the one whom I could talk to when things were going bad.
Ed was the one who was there for me when my brother Chris passed away 12 years ago. The start of EVERYTHING becoming "trying". It was the first time I ever had someone close to me, pass away. And it was a shock to say the least. Though he was ill with Lupus for over 20 years, it's still not something you expect to happen. Or at least I didn't expect it to happen. My older brother. The person who probably had the biggest influence in my life. From my sense of humor, to my musical tastes, to my political leanings...there was not facet of my life or personality that was not touched by him. He was like Wally Cleaver to my Beaver Cleaver. I looked up at him in awe.
And then he was gone...
Six months ago, I was laid off from my job as a graphic/web/marketing person. At first, I figured I would be back on my feet within a month or so. I had money saved, my confidence was high, my options seemed limitless. Well, 6 months later, I am still unemployed, savings have dwindled dramatically, confidence has fallen, and my options seem to get smaller everyday.
Normally, I would weather "the storm", knowing the sun will still shine tomorrow. But this time it has been hard and seems to be getting harder. And its not just because of the reasons mentioned above. No, the main reason I'm feeling this way is because the passing away of my friend Ed last February (02/21/14). Though it's been a year since his passing, the best part of our friendship is what I'm finally missing.
At first I missed our "hangin' out", discussing everything under the sun, from politics to the latest tabloid news, from pop culture to trash culture, from discussions on morality to sharing/debating different philosophies. That is what I missed the most the first several months or so. But since my "crisis", I realize what I really miss, and that's his support through thick and thin. He was the one who was always there for me. The one I could talk to when things were going great, and the one whom I could talk to when things were going bad.
Ed was the one who was there for me when my brother Chris passed away 12 years ago. The start of EVERYTHING becoming "trying". It was the first time I ever had someone close to me, pass away. And it was a shock to say the least. Though he was ill with Lupus for over 20 years, it's still not something you expect to happen. Or at least I didn't expect it to happen. My older brother. The person who probably had the biggest influence in my life. From my sense of humor, to my musical tastes, to my political leanings...there was not facet of my life or personality that was not touched by him. He was like Wally Cleaver to my Beaver Cleaver. I looked up at him in awe.
And then he was gone...
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